It’s been a long time since I wrote “10 things to drive your Scrum Master crazy” and it’s about time to give you some new weapons. So, here they are:
1. Hide the SM’s beloved moderation markers.
2. Play on your smartphone during the (planning) meetings, as long as they are not talking about YOUR tasks.
3. Always lament about the same things but don’t change anything.
4. Keep blaming and finger pointing everyone else except yourself for all the problems, you are only a victim.
5. Ignore all agile values as they don’t apply to you.
6. Simply ignore your Scrum Master, especially when he tries to coach you. Coaching is evil!
7. Ignore the findings from your latest retrospective because you have more important stuff to do.
8. Write as many things as possible on ONE post-it. Clustering is much more fun this way.
9. Don’t put your tasks on the sprint backlog. Your Scrum Master is an evil micro manager. I swear. Transparency sucks.
10. Ask your boss to put the Scrum values into the performance goals of every employee.