Defensive Scrum Is NOT Agile
So, what’s a lowly, victimized development department to do?
Turn to Scrum, of course. And play defense. Specifically:
- Recruit ScrumMasters to protect the teams.
- When the new ScrumMasters wants to discuss what’s right for the company, stress that the ScrumMasters were hired to protect the teams.
- Grab a hapless business person, hand him a Black Book, crown him product owner, and tell him his number one priority is to live PivotalTracker.
- The Product Owner’s number two priority is to communicate every user need in the “as a … I want … so that” story template.
- Threaten to take the teams on strike until there are 100 storied story points prioritized in the backlog.
- Go flash mad the fifth time someone asks “what’s a story point worth?”
- Remind business people that chickens are not allowed to speak at daily meetings.
- Deflect complication and nuance by declaring big business ideas as too epic in nature to consider for development.
- Threaten to abend the sprint every time the business wants to change something.
- Demand that the ScrumMasters protect the teams by ensuring they are capped at forty-hour work weeks. Ignore the fifty-plus-hour work weeks that are saddled upon on the ScrumMasters. Scoff at the difficult working conditions of the business users.
- Finally, don’t forget to whine vociferously that the business doesn’t get scrum.
You could call this Scrum. I wouldn’t. I’d call it an anti-practice.
Whatever you do, please don’t call it agile.