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How To Be A Real Elite Programmer And Make Sure Everybody Knows It

A classic post from Alan Skorkin. Reminds me of some of the points brought up by in the 501 Developer Manifesto.  --Curator's note

 

  1. Elite

    Real elite programmers can't have distractions like kids and spouses in their life. Cut your family out of your life to maximize coding time. While you're there cut your friends out as well to maximize coding time even more.
  2. Real elite programmers don't have hobbies that aren't coding. If you still engage in activities that don't involve a computer, this will have to change. If you find yourself burning out, just man-up and push through it.
  3. Real elite programmers do their best work at night. Sleep is for wussies.
  4. Real elite programmers hate their day job. Otherwise they would have nothing to complain about to other real elite programmers.
  5. Real elite programmers eat pizza and drink Dr. Pepper. No other food is allowed, if you have fruit and vegetables in the house, they will have to go – stick to the diet of champions.
  6. Real elite programmers don't read about programming, they DO the programming. Don't bother with books, just keep programming. Remember, you know best, those book-writing wimps are just a bunch of noobs, they should have been coding instead of writing, you're way better than that.
  7. Real elite programmers are always right. This makes sense since everyone else is just a stupid noob.
  8. Real elite programmers already know everything that is worth knowing. All the other knowledge is useless and only noobs would be interested in it.
  9. Real elite programmers do not acknowledge anyone who is not a real elite programmer.
  10. Real elite programmers know when to say "RTFM" in response to a question. This is a good answer to any question – noobs should know better than to ask stupid questions in the first place.
  11. Real elite programmers are on social media. This is allowed, since it involves a computer. It is infact their duty since there are so many people on social media who need to be corrected about all things programming.
  12. Real elite programmers complain loudly about the lack of in-depth programming content on social media. They are however too elite to provide this content.
  13. Real elite programmers know when to say "TL;DR" in response to any in-depth programming content on social media.
  14. Real elite programmers are particularly offended by minor inconsistencies in grammar, punctuation, colour schemes as well as any other subjective stylistic choices.
  15. Real elite programmers never create any code for others to use. They have already told everyone they are awesome; there is no need to prove it.
  16. Real elite programmers know how to put argumentative noobs in their place. Stupid noobs must be told they are stupid and ugly if they have the audacity to question elite wisdom.
  17. Real elite programmers condescend to anyone who is not interested in whatever the real elite programmer is currently interested in.
  18. Real elite programmers particularly despise non-programmers, they are worse than stupid noobs.
  19. Real elite programmers use the most complicated and roundabout techniques to explain simple concepts. All must know how smart the real elite programmer is.

I do hope you realise I am being facetious here. However, there is a grain of truth in every joke. I have seen instances of this type of behaviour and have been guilty of engaging in some of it myself from time to time – you probably have as well. Just something to watch out for.

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