We Need to Talk About These Tech Job Titles
No, Ted, I don’t care if you took a karate class in fourth grade. You are most certainly not a ninja IRL.
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When I was a little girl, I wanted to be a unicorn wrangler, followed closely by princess. Because of course I did. I was five years old.
It seems, though, that had I done a little more digging when I was first starting out my career, I could have been both.
I kid you not, there is a real-life, honest-to-god job at the tech firm Automattic that comes with the title tax wrangler. Sadly, this doesn’t involve actually hopping on horseback and rounding up rogue tax evaders (though it damn well should).
No, the real job is much less glamorous: As said wrangler of taxes, you spend your days “researching multi-state sales and use tax regulations.” That’s pretty much it. (Tragic.)
At least Google’s security princess job is a bit more exciting. (Yes, it’s a real thing. Watch the video if you don’t believe me.)
Before transitioning to her current role at Google – browser boss (really) – Parisa Tabriz lead a team of hackers whose primary job was to figure out how to break the Chrome browser.
But that title just didn’t have enough pizazz for Tabriz, so she changed it to security princess. Because apparently you can just do that at Google.
“I knew I’d have to hand out my card and I thought information security engineer sounded so boring,” Tabriz said, “Guys in the industry all take it so seriously, so security princess felt suitably whimsical.”
While I absolutely do not mean to minimize the impressive work Tabriz has done at Google, and probably the dude who ended up snagging that tax wrangler job, can we please cut the sh!% for a minute? We’re not wranglers or princesses or Jedis or wizards. We’re grown-ass adults with grown-ass jobs.
But, then again, maybe that’s the point. Maybe we could all use a little whimsy in our lives (especially if you research tax law for a living). Perhaps we would all be much better off if more companies let us identify with whatever magical creatures our hearts desire.
OK, I take it all back. I am hereby changing my title to Internet princess. I, too, could use a little sparkle.
(I’m like 80 percent sure that my boss won’t mind.)
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