Programmer Jokes

heck is friday! today i have gathered a funny set of programmer jokes. i hope you like them

a group of 4 microsoft .net programmers and a group of 4 java programmers are going on a train to an expo. the ms programmers buy a ticket each, and then watch the java programmers proceed to buy one ticket between them.

the ms programmers are intrigued and when they get on the train, they watch the java programmers to see what they do when the guard comes to check the tickets. it turns out that, before the guard comes, they all cram into the toilet. the guard knocks on the door, and asks for the ticket. the guard takes it from under the door, and slides it back.

the ms programmers are all impressed, so on the way back, they buy only one ticket. only to watch the java folks get on the train without buying a ticket at all.

when they get on the train, the ms people cram into the toilet, as they saw the java folks on the earlier journey. the java programmers then knock on the door, and say “ticket please”. the ms programmers slide the ticket under the door, as they saw the java programmers do earlier.

“thank you”, they say. “you steal our methods, but you don’t understand them.”

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a young java developer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to wichita. they can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. after a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. there is a sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

when the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word. the grandmother is thinking to herself, “it was very brash for that young man to kiss my granddaughter, but i’m glad she slapped him.”

the project manager is sitting there thinking, “i didn’t know the young tech was brave enough to kiss the girl, but i sure wish she hadn’t missed him when she slapped me!”

the young woman was sitting and thinking, “i’m glad the guy kissed me, but i wish my grandmother had not slapped him!”

the young programmer sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. he thought to himself, “life is good. how often does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his ppoject manager all at the same time!”

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two ints and a float walk into a bar. they spot an attractive double on her own.

the first int walks up to her and say: “hey baby, my vm or yours?”. she slaps him and he walks back dejected.

the second int walks over. “hey cute-stuff, can i cook you ‘beans’ for breakfast?” after a quick slapping, he too walks back.

then the float ambles over casually: “where those two primitive types bothering you?”, he remarks.

“yes, i’m so glad you’re here”, she says. “they just had no class !”

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a bunch of 17 year olds – classcast, illegalargument and arrayindexoutofbounds – decide to take their chances, and try to get served at the bar.

the bartender takes one look at them, and asks them for id.

classcast hands over his fake id, illegalargument hands over his brother throwable’s id, but arrayindexoutofbounds doesn’t have any fake id.

the bartender says “sorry guys, you’ll have to leave unless i can see some id”.

classcast pleads with the barman “can’t you just bend the rules for us?” and the barman says “sorry, no exceptions “.

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two session beans in love are sitting cuddled close together:

“oh jarling, my singleton!”, the female session bean exclaims.
“let’s go home and make love.”, the male session bean replies.
“but we can’t”, the female session bean says. “i don’t want to create() new() instances.”
“don’t worry” the male session bean replies with a smile. “my constructor is protected.”

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why did the integer drown?
‘coz he couldn’t float!

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yo mama’s so fat… she get an arrayindexoutofboundexception!
yo mama’s so po… she does garbage collection for a living!
yo mama’s so ugly… her java.lang.reflect took down the mirror site!

a bonus one
your mama’s so fat… that not even dijkstra is able to find a shortest path around her.

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when your hammer is c++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

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a cobol programmer made so much money doing y2k remediation that he was able to have himself cryogenically frozen when he died. one day in the future, he was unexpectedly resurrected.

when he asked why he was unfrozen, he was told:

“it’s the year 9999 – and you know cobol”

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a geologist and a java programmer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from la to ny. the geologist leans over to the programmer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. the programmer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. the geologist persists and explains that the game is real easy and a lotta fun. he explains, “i ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5. then you ask me a question, and if i don’t know the answer, i’ll pay you $5.” again, the programmer politely declines and tries to get to sleep. the geologist now somewhat agitated, says, “ok, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5, and if i don’t know the answer, i’ll pay you $50!”

this catches the programmer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game. the geologist asks the first question. “what’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”

the programmer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the geologist.

now, it’s the programmer’s turn. he asks the geologist, “what goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down on four?” the geologist looks up at him with a puzzled look. he takes out his laptop computer and searches all of his references. he taps into the airphone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress. frustrated, he sends e-mail to his co-workers — all to no avail.

after about an hour, he wakes the programmer and hands him $50. the programmer politely takes the $50 and turns away to try to get back to sleep.

the geologist is more than a little miffed, shakes the programmer and asks, “well, so what’s the answer?”

without a word, the programmer reaches into his wallet, hands the geologist $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.

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once upon a time there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a deserted road. suddenly a brand new porsche screeches to a halt. the driver, a man dressed in an armani suit, cerutti shoes, ray-ban sunglasses, tag-heuer wrist-watch, and a versace tie, gets out and asks the shepherd:

man: “if i can tell you how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?”
the shepherd looks at the young man, and then looks at the large flock of grazing sheep and replies:

shepherd: “okay.”

the young man parks the car, connects his laptop to the mobile-fax, enters a nasa webster, scans the ground using his gps, opens a database and 60 excel tables filled with logarithms and pivot tables, then prints out a 150 page report on his high-tech mini-printer. he turns to the shepherd and says,

man: “you have exactly 1,586 sheep here.”
the shepherd cheers,

shepherd: “that’s correct, you can have your sheep.”

the young man makes his pick and puts it in the back of his porsche. the shepherd looks at him and asks,

shepherd: “if i guess your profession, will you return my animal to me?”

the young man answers;
man: “yes, why not?”

shepherd: “you are an it consultant.”

man: “how did you know?”

shepherd: “very simple. first, you came here without being called. second, you charged me a fee to tell me something i already knew, and third, you don’t understand anything about my business. now can i have my dog back?”

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richard stallman, linus torvalds, and donald knuth engage in a discussion on whose impact on computer science was the greatest.
stallman: “god told me i have programmed the best editor in the world!”
torvalds: “well, god told me that i have programmed the best operating system in the world!”
knuth: “wait, wait, i never said that.”

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joke: a novice programmer was explained the meaning of rtfm. he showed up the next day saying: “so i went out and bought the kama sutra. now what?”

meta-joke: if you tell the joke above to a non-programmer, he will ask: “what’s rtfm?” a programmer will ask: “what’s kama sutra?”

meta-meta-joke: if instead of laughing in response in the meta-joke above you have asked “i knew both, now who am i”, then you are probably a programmer over the age of 30, who has realized the value of social skills, and who may even be married, but who is still an uber-geek who takes things way too literally.

if you have asked “i googled both, now who am i”, then you are probably a high-school kid who reads stackoverflow and takes things way too literally, but who had not yet known about rtfm or kama sutra. congratulations, you are well on your way to becoming an uber-geek. please try to acquire some social skills along the way. you may not think so now, but they do come in handy.

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don’t anthropomorphize computers. they hate that!

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i was in the airport vip lounge in route to seattle a couple of weeks ago. while in there, i noticed bill gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. i was meeting a very important client who was also flying to seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

well, being a straightforward kind of guy, i approached the microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, “mr. gates, i wonder if you would do me a favor.”

“yes?”

“i’m sitting right over there,” pointing to my seat at the bar, “and i’m waiting on a very important client. would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, ‘hi, ray,’?”

“sure.”

i shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

about ten minutes later, my client showed up. we ordered a drink and started to talk business.

a couple of minutes later, i felt a tap on my shoulder. it was bill gates.

“hi, ray,” he said.

i replied, “get lost gates, i’m in a meeting.”